loz : laurie
I am many things; mostly appropriate, I believe. some of you know parts of me... some of you know much of me. very few of you know all of me.
you may find the many parts of me somewhere around here, if you want to take the time to look. good luck, hahaha.
oh... but let me know if you find my pieces, please... I always seem to be searching for myself ;).
my own webhosting choice... always!
my camarades cam indicator:
(click it if it shows 'cam online')
tag board: patience please, new comments are often a bit slow to appear.
the population keeps rising
the nipple poll
note: past votes are recorded; you don't need to vote again if you already have. thanks for voting!
click to see all poll results
past poll results:
type Y for yes, N for no
1. are your nipples sexually sensitive?
2. have you ever had an orgasm from nipple stimulation only?
3. are you M or F?
response: no to #1 -
response: no to #1 -
most original comment:
I am N. Ninja. I transcend such trivialities as gender.
mostly appropriate blinkylinkthing:
right-click on blinky & 'save target'
so... who links back to me?
lozza links, related to my own biz as well as some great blog reads. check 'em out!
click to see all links
what colour energy are you?
Your Energy is Purple. You are a visionary with unmatched intuition and spiritual consciousness. The mystical world and unexplainable forces fascinate you. There resides in you a true dignity and nobility, and others see you as a worthy leader and loyal friend. You are often very mature, with a deep understanding of human nature, and you will instinctively encourage and guide others toward their full potential.
You find it natural to express yourself aesthetically and artistically, you may be involved in the artistic professions, a religious organization, or in activities that have a degree of ceremony and ritual. You would make a good therapist, healer, psychic, or entrepreneur.
What color is your energy?
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Friday, June 25, 2004
actually it's a balloon that's popped but one just doesn't say 'pop goes the balloon'; it doesn't work, it's too ridiculously obvious somehow. and we mustn't be ridiculous or obvious, must we? that might expose us as human, make us too much like everyone else or something. or maybe it's just that we'd get a glimpse of our own humanness, that embarrassing condition of being. we use the royal 'we', because there does seem to be safety in numbers somehow, and comfort. there's got to be some benefit to having multiple personalities, since the condition exists. wouldn't it be nice if we could choose our conditions? I mean, choose while we're conscious of what it would mean to humanly live them, not choose beforehand when we have to first forget the reason we're choosing them before we actually get to live them. hey, italics are cool, very useful expressive device.
I spent a good part of today dreaming. well I happened to be asleep at the time, so that makes sense. I do love dreaming, actually; I've always had some really wild & wonderful, crazy technicolour dreams. some of them are just good stories, useful in so many ways.
there are a few dreams I've had that I remember most specifically, even though they're years old. would you like to hear about them? I think you would, if only because I want to tell them. it's easier than telling the other just now, easy to slide into another reality; my rational brain's on shut-down & I'm quite willing to be distracted. where's a mic when you need one?
the kitchen fluorescents are flashing like seedy restaurant lighting, the night is dim without & I imagine I'm in a diner somewhere in the middle of a hot southern night, telling you unexplainable mysteries of life.
one night I found myself at a party. it was in an old barn that had been converted into a nightclub. it was blinding white on the outside, but dark as hell on the inside. blackened windows... you must enter and participate to solve the mystery of what lies beyond.
we were all hilarious, having the best time dancing and drinking, carousing. there was a spiral staircase spanning all the way from the brilliantly-lit top floor bistro to the dark bowels of the underground disco, flashing electric sparks of neon, absorbed into the spirit and released on the dance floor. the whole night is a jumble of impressions spanning from top floor to bottom, from intensive bouts of earnest conversation over capuccino to primal connection in the form of mind-altered, pseudo-sexually provocative movement. there's a choice to be made, decisions to be formed, but it's too easy to just let go and follow the moment.
I lose my way during a trip down the spiral, and find myself outside in suddenly still, moonlit clarity. immediately I feel the implications; this is a spiritual fortress, not a nightclub. I run to escape, but the forces that be don't want me to leave. we chase through dark streets, yards of rustling bug-inhabited undergrowth and emerge into lamp-lit universes of suburbia. everything is still; I am torn, unable to move one way or the other, feeling the threat of imminent danger creeping up on me from I know not which direction. leathery dark wings flap suddenly and enfold me momentarily, talons digging into my shoulder at a slightly wrong angle to grip. poke and miss. I run again.
I'm back at the nightclub door. I don't want to go back in. I know there are things I must decide, before I can safely navigate this building again. ignorance is no longer a possible excuse for indecision. I stand waffling, knowing it's now or never... run again, or face the music. choose, or be chosen.
suddenly it's clear: if I enter here I can go up, or I can go down. it's a simple matter of where I'll find thinking more comfortable: in the light, or in the dark. that's easy - I go in the door, and up the staircase. there are my earlier dance partners, beckoning me to rejoin them. downstairs, upstairs, somewhere in between. it doesn't matter... they're where they're at, but I know I have to get to where I want to be. though the forces of their will are strong, my will is stronger; I just have to keep my mind on the goal. I know I could step down to enjoy the promising thrill of dark, syrupy sexuality but my mind is focused on squeaky-clean clarity. I continue to climb, resisting the pull of mindless, primal experience.
suddenly he appears at the bottom of the spiral, bellowing for me to come back where I belong. I fight the instinct to obey, knowing that although he once was in charge, it's my choice now. I can let him drag me back down, or I can continue to climb to the top. I am in control now... I can survive this. I continue to climb. fingers claw the cloth over my back, his minions whispering reminders of past glory in my ear as I pass. I push through the crowd insistently and they fall away behind me, screeching in confused, frightened anger as beatifically-glowing beings of light smile on me from above.
at the top of the spiral the membrane over the door gives way to my pressure easily and I enter the brilliantly lit doorway to cheers of bright beings beyond. love, light, and acceptance enfold me in their grace. white hot strength returns to my limbs after my arduous climb, confirming that I'm in the right place. I turn triumphantly to close the door of my choice, and find his dark, roiling presence on the other side. his magnetism is mighty and I am reminded that I once belonged with him, his pleasure the duty I felt to the depths of my very soul.
'ah, but it was your pleasure too,' he says, smiling in smug reminiscence.
'not now,' I reply.
'you're wrong,' he says, thick, dark brow lowering into a frown.
'not anymore,' I reply.
'you'll be back,' he says, gleaming hot, red arrogance from his eye to mine.
'not while I still have a choice,' I reply.
'you've always been mine, Laurie,' he says, surpremely confident as one never questioned.
'I'm mine,' I reply, and turn to the light against the face of his staunch surety.
it's been a bad day. I'd just as soon find the switch to turn everything OFF. I don't feel like I've got either the strength or the desire to deal with everything I have to deal with right now. I like my denial, sometimes; it's always worked before when I've needed it. unfortunately, I don't have the benefit of true choice this time. deal or death. slice or dice. what kind of choice is that? oh alright, yes, it is at least a choice; it's just obvious which way I have to go, and it ain't down. no death, no dicing. we live to slice through these things. still, though I'm thankful for the clarity, I'm annoyed that I'm forced to apply it.
my doctor phoned to tell me the first of my tests have come back... seems I might have a bladder infection. uh?? how come I didn't notice this? and so I have to go back to the lab for another test to make sure, one way or the other.
I did some research on the net today about temporal arthritis... not good. there are too many parallels to be able to dismiss it as a possibility, though it's still only that. the real answer will come with return of the blood test, as that measures levels of certain chemicals or some such & I imagine such a test won't lie. treatment is something to do with steroids... great, just lovely. I know I shouldn't count chickens, so to speak, but sometimes, when you're waiting in the unknown and feeling miserable you just have to do something. knowledge is supposed to be power, but I don't feel empowered; I just feel helpless, and a bit angry that there's more to deal with, whatever it might be. I'm so tired of dealing with stuff. I'd like to know what it is I did - or didn't do - that put me in this place, now, having to deal with more. I just want to exist. is that really so much to ask? why do I have to keep proving my ability to get through it?
I bowed out of the Vernon trip to the paediatrician today, since I was feeling so crappy. slept a good part of the day away. Ray took Brennan & they returned to tell me about a new ketone meter (measures ketones more accurately - in the blood rather than having to wait for them to show in the urine) along with hundreds of details of new(ish) 'must-dos' that I could hardly begin to comprehend. waking from a hot, exhausted sleep to this overwhelmed me, and quite frankly I was pleased to escape to this quiet solitude of Gran's sleeping presence.
I really don't know how I'm supposed to get a job in the midst of all this, follow the rules and keep everybody happy too. I don't seem to have the energy just to do what needs to be done to support lifesigns, much less keep money coming into the household. will somebody please run my life for me? never mind, I refuse to give up my independence too, so I guess that won't work either. I'm just not sure it's possible to keep track of all that needs to be done, learn it all and do it all and function in the rest of the world, too. I'm afraid I'm going to have to become even more insular than I am already. after the recent taste of freedom and a decision to spread outwards again, it's almost torture to contemplate the need to stay in the same place & do it all again 100 times more concentrated.
I think I'll go back to sleep now.
(I was happier telling you a story... see? denial really works for me, at least in order to feel some happy. wish it worked with reality too. bloody life lessons. who made the rules for this game? I want a recount. I need your voice of reason, P.)
hahaha, ask & an answer is given, eh? I sound like Gran just sounded: 'I've got to get up to pee' (forgetting I've got a catheter).
now, if I could just remember what my catheter is and how I'm supposed to use it I'd really be laughing.
never mind, I am up to the challenge. I am invincible... I am the bionic woman.
I just need somebody to charge my battery for me first, please.
(and my mom says/thinks: Laurie!! ;) )
babbled by loz
- 01:55 am
June 26, 2004 10:16 AM PDT
erm... though the hd might have to wait. we'll see.
June 26, 2004 10:07 AM PDT
hokey dokey :). I'm pretty sure I'll just be home after leaving Gran's, though I may need to make a run to get my new hard drive! woohoo! erm, though first I have to get more money, haha.
ps: hey... maybe you could take me to get my money/hd, then we could go up to your place & get your name thingy, etc., fixed up?
June 25, 2004 09:51 PM PDT
erp, nope! sorry :(. I'll be at Gran's until 11 am. home after that though, if you want to pop in or call?
June 25, 2004 09:20 PM PDT
yeah diz, I decided to forget about what I read because I didn't have enough actual knowledge... no sense getting all scared about something when I don't even know if I've got it, haha.
anyhoo, thank you :).
fire away anytime, re: Reiki. you can also go to 'my stuff' links on the left side of the page & find 'Laurie's Reiki' link - just a basic info page, if you want to check it out. you may already know all that's there, anyway.
June 25, 2004 03:58 PM PDT
"It isn't easy being a bunny." (long-standing family in-joke.)
Be careful 'bout searching the net for medical info.. Google is a boon to hypochrondriax. Sometimes you can have TOO much information - and not enough knowledge.. (word to the wise there.)
Still trying to figger who makes the rules of this lottery. The house always takes its cut, I'm afraid...
Hang on in there, take care... Oh, I may be asking you some Reiki questions soon...
June 25, 2004 09:01 AM PDT
come & get me, my car still isn't back on the road. I'd walk up if I could handle it.
June 25, 2004 07:07 AM PDT
ahh Nic, the wicked ;). I regret to inform that you weren't the man in the dark place... though I can certainly picture you as such, hehe (I'll give him your face, in your honour, everytime I remember this dream now).
no, unfortunately that man had too dark a face to identify, but a voice I recognized. it was a dream from my early 20s, a time I was struggling to determine my spiritual beliefs & beginning to break free - a little... the real break came years later - from the voice in the dream.
no need for Rabbits or cards, though I thank you greatly for the thought. catchyer soon at the smiley place ;).
meantime, thanks for the smile this brought to my face.
June 25, 2004 04:17 AM PDT
Laurie, Laurie, Laurie, whats got my girl so down when she knows that anytime she can have all the " thrill of dark, syrupy sexuality" she could handle." The endorphins released in a good strenuous work out of this nature make all the pain go away, and even if it doesn't, it will hurt so good. You said a while back that you had a dream about me; was I the Man from the dark place trying to lure you (I really was identifying there). Darling, I know what could put a smile on your face but am not sure if there is that kind of shop close by. If there is, tell them you want a "Rabbit" and have them put it on my card. I want to know that I have given you something to smile about.
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