loz : laurie

I am many things; mostly appropriate, I believe. some of you know parts of me... some of you know much of me. very few of you know all of me.

you may find the many parts of me somewhere around here, if you want to take the time to look. good luck, hahaha.

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<< August 2004 >>
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Sex: adopt a form of birth control
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I am N. Ninja. I transcend such trivialities as gender.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004
life on cassette

I'd like to put it all on rewind. but where to start? what would I change?

I couldn't go back to change my marriage... if I did, I'd be wiping out my kids and I'd never want to lose them. prior to my marriage: sure, there was a lot of crap in my life I could theoretically want to undo now, but then I wouldn't be who I am in the place I'm at. don't really want to change that, do I? nope.

after the kids? the only thing notable enough that I might like to change is the accident in '96. that put me onto a different direction in my life too. on the other hand, again, it was also a defining moment in my life that has shaped who I am and how I look at life and its happenings. I can't in good conscience want to change that either, as awful as it was to get through, because it taught me a lot.

since the accident, nothing major enough has happened that would need changing. I suppose that leaves all the little crap, the annoyances & little mistakes & blunders. there are choices I've made that might benefit from a rethink, but it's all in hindsight... without having made those particular choices I couldn't come to the understanding in hindsight I've attained that would mean I might like to make different choices in those situations, so I can't in all good conscience want to change those choices either.

so I'm left with what I've got & have had, what I've experienced & what it's taught me. which basically rules out the rewind after all.

guess I go from here attempting to use this knowledge I have to make the *right* choices eh?

yeah. guess that means I'm actually looking for new options, then.

I suppose what I'd really like is to put it all on fast-forward. but then... how far do I go? I don't want to zip past anything good, too fast to stop & enjoy what might be coming.

decisions, decisions.

may I borrow a cup of detachment, please?

babbled by loz - 01:40 pm

August 20, 2004   01:48 PM PDT
thanks for all the wordz, thoughts, advice and encouragement, my peoples. much appreciated.

Merrydeath, just an unrelated aside: one day I went to the blogs of beauty page & all of a sudden in the name & url fields of the comments/tag board (on my browser I mean, where usually it shows my name & blog url) was your name & blog url! too strange... not sure how that could happen; it was as if I'd typed in your name/url instead of my own, but of course I didn't - it just showed up there for some reason. odd.

August 19, 2004   09:04 PM PDT
A "super remote" with jet engine fast forwarding and rewinding capabilities. Where's H.G. Wells when you need him?
August 19, 2004   07:38 PM PDT
I liked that. A lot. You write a lot of things I like, but this one in particular has made me stop and think...Congradulations. It takes a lot to make me think. Tehehe. Keep writing, please?

August 18, 2004   08:34 PM PDT
Time will provide detachment from some of the emotions to the point where you'll be philosophical about the whole thing...but it seems like you're already reaching that point. Just hang on.
August 18, 2004   04:28 PM PDT
Just shift to go and set everything on cruise control and enjoy the ride. I told my c0-workers when I die they will cease to exist, because it is after all my dream/nightmare / whatever
August 18, 2004   02:06 PM PDT
need to feel the wow and flutter i guess, shitty sometimes, splendid the next..
hold tight m'dear..
Q me when y'get a mo - seems like ages since..
take care

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