I was thinking of that song when I typed the title of this, but it occurs that 'ch-ch-ch-ch-changes' looks a bit like talking during a shiver. and well it could be, considering that accepting change gracefully is one of the biggest challenges I face in my life.
it's not that I don't usually welcome change, when I know or feel that it's in my best interests; it's not that I don't actively reach for change, when I want or know I need to make a change; it's not that I haven't seen the positive self-growth in change, whenever I've chosen or been forced to make some change.
it's fear, plain and simple. fear of the unknown, fear of what might happen when I stroll - or get dragged - into territories unknown. personally, I find it very hard to face my fear of the unknown. even if I know a change will bring growth and happiness, I still experience fear of the unknowable - or unforeseeable - possible results that come along with any change.
it seems this fear started long ago when my family would move around a fair bit. oh, we never went far; sometimes it was just to a new neighbourhood across town. but for a while there, we moved at least once a year, and always I found this difficult, emotionally. for the longest time, I remember thinking that when I was grown with my own family, I wouldn't move at all if I could help it. since I started having kids, we've moved a total of four times... two of those times being not of my choice or in my control (both times we were served notice that the house was being taken back by the landlord). now, I'm happy to stay in one place, though I also tend to welcome the feeling of moving into a 'fresh' space. problem is, I take all my old junk with me from one home to another so I don't relish moves now for a different reason than I used to not relish moves, hehe.
anyway, having said all that, I think I just noticed my fear of the unknown by the time we'd moved a few times, when actually it stems back further in my life than the moving issue. I suppose, if I'm totally honest with myself, the moving only added to the original fear of the unknown, rather than was the cause of it. I believe the true origin of this fear was childhood sexual abuse.
I'm sure I'll get into discussion about childhood sexual abuse (mine in general & abuse in general) at some point just because it's all part of what makes me tick, but for now I'll end here. posting this entry about change is really just because I started writing this some time ago, saved it as a draft, and didn't want to leave 'loose ends' hanging about any longer, haha. I have NO idea what change it was that got me started on this entry, originally... but it stands as-is, because nothing has really changed about the way I feel about change ;). I accept it as necessary and ultimately good in many ways (if not all), but I almost always have that initial knee-jerk reaction that makes me cringe, get all scared and want to reject change just because it can be so difficult and scary until it's integrated.
coming very soon: Reiki Part 3 - Practical Uses. I have an *excellent* example now to tell you about, of how Reiki can be used in ways other than body treatment for people themselves. forewarned is forearmed: when I post the Reiki Part 3 entry, it's going to be a looonnnnnnnggg one!
nb: to the lady who might possibly feel hurt in one way or another, by some of what I've said in this entry - don't take it personally please! it's not an issue in & of itself, not meant to hurt or complain; only mentioned in the midst of talking about this concept of change. I love you always and forever.... you are my sunshine :). xx
babbled by loz
- 01:03 am